There’s been a lot of speculation on TV, in the enemy-of-the-state free press, and in social media, but no one knows for sure what Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump discussed in their secret Helsinki meeting except the principals and their translators––until now! Breaking news: Our president’s translator was able to smuggle the transcript out of his cell in Guantanamo, and it landed (mysteriously) on our desk.
Forthwith, word for word:
PUTIN (translated from the Russian): Enough with the kowtowing, Don; you’re going to ruin your bouffant. As you know, we’re here to review your performance and talk about your goals for the second half of the year, okay?
TRUMP: I’m, uh, all ears, sir.
PUTIN: Overall, you’ve done well. Started a trade war: check. Rubbed noses with Kim Jong Un: check. Threatened to pull out of NAFTA and NATO: check. Oh, and you were late for tea with the queen. Extra points for that one. (Putin chuckles.)
TRUMP: It was Melania’s idea. She hates crumpets.
PUTIN: We’ll come back to her later. Added a trillion dollars to your national debt: check. Jailed children: I loved that one. Kept the doors open for our Midterm Hackathon: check. Fired more FBI and CIA agents: good job there. Kept your pet Congressmen in line: check.
TRUMP: I gave them a new nickname: Bootlickers. I like to invite them to the White House to lick my boots. If somebody won’t lick, I call them bad names on Twitter.
PUTIN: Twitter’s okay. Personally, I prefer to murder my critics with experimental nerve agents. Saves a lot of R&D expense.
TRUMP (perspiring): But I’m doing great, right? You’re not gonna call my loans or send the pictures to CNN?
PUTIN (smiling and settling back in his chair): Let’s talk about the rest of the year, Don.
(Ice tinkling in a glass. Trump takes a swig of kvass.)
TRUMP (stutters): You’re, you’re, you’re the boss, sir.
PUTIN: First, my people tell me our Racist Engagement Campaign is coming along, but it needs more of your unique brand of leadership. Less golf; more rallies with lots of smiley white people. Second, we sent you a list of three candidates for your Secretary of State weeks ago. Pick one; we’ll get him confirmed. Third, we want you to strip some of Obama’s pals of their security clearances. They know too much. We’ll send you another list.
TRUMP: Good idea. I bet that’ll shut ‘em up.
PUTIN: Probably not, but it has to be done. Fourth, pardon more criminals. I’m not sure Manafort and Cohen are getting the message.
TRUMP: No problem. I know lots of criminals.
PUTIN: Last, and this is very important, Don. You need to do a better job of getting your daily summaries to Melania. She calls every other day to complain. It’s annoying…
Unfortunately, the transcript was written in red ink on damp, two-ply toilet paper. The rest of the roll was too blurred to be salvaged. If the pattern holds, though, we can expect another meeting with a similar agenda shortly after the New Year.
— end —
Full Disclosure: We admit it; we made this up. In our defense, we got tired of hearing the usual legion of TV pundits claim that they had no idea what Putin and Trump talked about in their under-the-covers two-hour meeting. The accumulation of evidence, including The Donald’s tragic display of fealty at the post-meeting press conference, suggests that the president of the United States is Vladimir Putin’s sock puppet.