Fear of Immigrants

From our aerie atop Mount Whatever on Tralfamadore, it’s easy to see why millions of Americans are so afraid that the “caravan” of asylum-seeking immigrants will destroy our country. Luckily, we have access to the Internets up here, so we thought we’d take a look into how ruinous they’ll be.

Here are the dreadful facts:

1) According to the latest estimates from the UN, there about 7,000 immigrants in the “caravan.” A lot of them are children and many are barefoot (those numbers are yet to be confirmed by embedded US Census takers), but let’s assume that all of them make it here anyway, and they’re let in by the thousands of border guards and army personnel who eagerly await their arrival. If so, then the US population (approximately 325 million) will increase by 0.002%.

2) There are about five million full-blooded Native Americans living in the United States. The other 98.5% of us are partial or full-blooded immigrants or their descendants.

3) First- and second-generation immigrants are less likely than the rest of us to commit crimes. (See Note 1 below.)

4) First- and second-generation immigrants added an estimated $2 trillion (that’s trillions with a “t”) to US GDP in 2016.

5) The impact of immigration on US wages is small but positive over the long run.

6) From the years 2000 to 2011, unauthorized immigrants paid $35 billion more into the Medicare fund than they consumed. (See Note 2.)

7) Two of Donald Trump’s three wives are immigrants, and he’s a “Birthright” citizen.  (As far as we know, there’s no truth to the rumor that The Donald shops for wives on Tinder.)

So why are so many Americans afraid of the “caravan” and immigrants in general? Our theory: a) A large portion of us are grossly misinformed by Republican politicians and right-wing media; and b) The Democrats, as usual, are too dumb to tell us the truth; even though; c) More than 70% of Latinos voted for Hillary Clinton in 2016.

We on The Other Side love democracy and will continue to do so for as long as it lasts.

Notes

Note 1: Many of the figures above were excerpted from a 2017 report by the Center for American Progress, which sounds like yet another PAC funded by secretive billionaires, conspiracy theorists, immigrant cabals, or Russian oligarchs. It’s not, and all their figures are referenced. We urge you to visit their website.

Note 2: If you follow the train of thought from 6) above, then one of the best ways to fund Medicare is to let more immigrants into the US.