Short Takes

 

Sale of the Century

In a press conference in Helsinki this morning, President Donald Trump announced that he had agreed to sell the United States to Vladimir Putin for an undisclosed sum. Within the hour, Republican caucuses of both houses of Congress passed a resolution supporting the transaction. The Supreme Court later issued an opinion stating that disposal of the United States was within the president’s imperial rights as described in Amendment 28 of the US Constitution, version 2.0.

Oops! We appear to have omitted the word “out” in the first sentence.

 

Whose Icy Current and Compulsive Course* 

We were surfing the Net last night and came across an intriguing ad. It read: “Children of all ages available for immediate adoption. Imported, cage free. Bilingual parents preferred. To apply, call 802-872-6199.”

We called the number. It’s the Immigration and Customs Enforcement  (ICE) switchboard, which has caused us to wonder: a) Does the ad conform to FTC “Truth in Advertising” guidelines; and b) Are the words “adoption” and “reunification” synonyms under the law?

We’re not judging. We’re just asking…

* From Othello, by William Shakespeare

 

Mixed Results

Since 1619, when the first slaves arrived in Virginia, we of Anglo-Saxon (white) descent have discriminated against our neighbors because of the color of their skin, including but not limited to Native Americans (red), African Americans (black), Hispanics (brown), Asians (yellow), Jews (olive), and Muslims (tanned).

We’re one year away from the 400th anniversary of American racism. A solution is long overdue, and we on The Other Side happen to have one at hand: mandatory mixed-race sex, meaning every woman of childbearing age would be required by law to couple with males of different colors and vice versa. Then, after a century or so, every US citizen would be a generic shade of brown. Race-based bigotry would be consigned to the landfill of human ignorance, and we could move on to prejudice against others because of age, gender, and fashion sense.

 

All’s Fair…

The Democrats continue to fulminate about the Trump campaign’s collusion with known associates of Vladimir Putin, military-grade Russian hackers, and Wikileaks. That’s Marquess of Queensbury stuff; it doesn’t work anymore. It’s time for the Democratic National Committee to take the gloves off and collude with the Chinese, including known associates of Xi Jinping and PLA Unit 61398, a cyber-warfare brigade in the People’s Liberation Army.

As of the end of last month, the Chinese owned $1.18 trillion (that’s trillions, with a “t”) of US debt, which means we’re paying them circa $2.5 to $3 billion per month in interest. They’re motivated to Keep America Solvent, and they’re more trustworthy than the Russians—like every other sovereign nation on the planet.

Reminder: We on The Other Side have been middle-of-the-roadish Independents for 40 years. (See About Us.) We believe that every fight should be fought fairly or that both parties should be allowed to cheat equally.

 

Big Applecart Upset

We saw last night (June 26, 2018) that a 28-yar-old upstart named Alexandra Cortez-Ocascio had defeated 10-term House Representative Joe Crowley in a Democratic primary in New York City.  If her interview on national television was indicative, Ms. Cortez-Ocasio is intelligent and articulate, she cares about her constituents, and she’s read a history book. Maybe she can win in November anyway.

 

The Autocracy Fan Club

Yesterday, we received a snail-mail solicitation from a Washington-based organization called “The Autocracy Fan Club.” The president of the club is Senator Mitch McConnell, the communications director is Congressman Devin Nunez, and the membership includes a veritable “Who’s Who” of politicians, talkshow hosts, reality TV stars, spiritual leaders, and conspiracy theorists.

Because it’s not-for-profit, the Autocracy Fan Club (AFC) depends on donations to fund its mission to make the world safe from democracy, but they’re not asking for handouts. Instead, first-time AFC contributors can select from an array of carefully curated keepsakes. For a $100 donation, for instance, you can choose a Kim Jong Un snow globe, a Vladimir Putin bobblehead, or a Shawn Hannity doormat.

Our favorite: a handcrafted set of nineteen matryoshka dolls featuring lifelike caricatures of every known employee of the Trump campaign or transition team who met with Russian representatives prior to The Donald’s inauguration.

For details, go to the RNC website. But hurry; supplies are limited. (Delivery charges not included.)

 

Cause and Effect

According to a report released today in June of 2018 by the Associated Press and Bloomberg News, the Medicare trust fund is now expected to be exhausted in 2026, three years earlier than last year’s forecast. The cause: the recent tax cut that passed both Republican-controlled houses and was signed into law by the president.

Fortunately, the Trump administration is required by law to submit a plan to Congress in 2019 that will address the projected shortfall––so the program’s safe, right?

 

Holy Moses!

There’s a rumor floating around the web that religious leaders from twelve southern and midwestern states have agreed to suspend the following commandments for as long as Donald Trump remains in office:

7)  Thou shalt not commit adultery;
8)  Thou shalt not steal; and
9)  Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

The commandments will be reinstated when a Democrat is elected president.

 

A Deep Topic

There’s been a lot of hubbub in the right-wing media about something called the “Deep State.” Apparently it’s a dreadful thing, like affordable healthcare, free trade, or respect for the rule of law. We have three questions: what’s a “Shallow State,” who has one, and how’s it working out so far?

 

An Extinction of Biblical Proportion

After months of careful study, we happy few on The Other Side of Obvious have come to the conclusion that dinosaurs didn’t become extinct because they missed the Ark. The kangaroos made it, and they had at least as far to swim. In our opinion, it’s more likely that Noah refused to let the Tyrannosaurs board, and the other dinosaurs walked off in protest.

 

Employment Advice

If your goal is to drain the swamp, don’t hire an alligator. (According to MSNBC, more than 180 of President’s Trump’s appointees are former lobbyists.)

 

A Shift in NRA Strategy

We noticed that the Remington Firearms Company filed for bankruptcy a while back because revenue from firearm sales had dropped 27% since the last election. The reason, postulated by the usual pundits, was that sales had tanked because Donald Trump was elected, which meant that “Crooked Hillary” and the elites wouldn’t be coming after the guns of Second Amendment loving Americans.

If we follow that train of thought to The Other Side of Obvious: wouldn’t it be better for the gun business if the NRA supported Democrats?

 

Brain Enhancement

We saw an advertisement on television for a brain supplement that features an ingredient originally found in jellyfish. Our question: what’s the average IQ of a jellyfish?

 

Fear of Immigrants

We understand that some Americans are worried that immigrants from “sh*thole” countries will take their jobs. Don’t take this the wrong way, but if you’re worried that a nineteen-year-old immigrant with a third-grade education who knows forty words of English is going to take your job, then the problem isn’t the immigrant.